goodbye.

Marvel Hutt

...Grandma...

March 12, 1928 - March 27, 2013

She is from fields of corn and wheat swaying in the breeze

She is from brothers and sisters, noisy laughter, smelly feet & dirty dishes

She is from a deep instinct to mother, to deeply love and be loved

She is from grief, heart craters from saying goodbye too much, too soon

She is from brave commitment, lasting love, faith in the one true God

She is from kitchens filled with hungry mouths to feed, steaming eggs, bacon, & sourdough toast

She is from laughing so hard tears begin to fall; wrinkles in the corners of her eyes

She is from all kinds of pain - loneliness, the aching of muscles, the loss of a life partner

She is from never giving up, a pillar of strength, leading a family on

She is from tiny, beautiful hands, delicate fingers and toes

She is from fresh raspberry jam, fingers stained pink, and her famous pot roast

She is from crossword puzzles filling long, sleepless nights and road-trips

She is from a house full of children, babies, grandbabies, & great-grandbabies

She is from persistence.

She is from hope.

She is from grace

something beautiful.

in the moment it's gray.

there is no color to attach to it, no experience to assign.

everything before it seems distant, vibrant, full of wonder and also regret.

in the moment you don't know it's the best it'll ever get.

in hindsight everything sparkles,

it shimmers like the early morning sun stretched over clear waters.

there is no bad or good, it just is (was) how it is (was),

and in that lies the beauty; the existence of it, and how it is over.

in the moment your bones feel heavy, your skin old.

each hour stretches out in body lengths across a tedious winding road.

but looking back, you were light as a feather, young as the bottom of babies' feet,

and the hours they ran together,

slipping away like those last lingering jacaranda blooms,

or the fading song of the sparrow each morning as a new day looms

in the moment it's hard,

each trial an expense; emptying, depleting, exhausting your resources

shoulders lean on shoulders, tears fall into barren palms,

but in the end,

it's almost always

something beautiful.

colors

"My skin is kind of sort of brownish pinkish yellowish white.

My eyes are greyish blueish green,

But I'm told they look orange in the night.

My hair is reddish blondish brown,

But it's silver when it's wet.

And all the colors I am inside

Have not been invented yet."

~shel silverstein

sweet summer

four weeks of us

nothing else but us

it's ending.

the clock clicks and ticks and pays my heart no attention

the pleads for it to stop or to at least slow,

ignored.

we swam in warm lake water

we practiced letters and writing left-handed

we held sick boys late into the night

we gazed at fires crackling, with sticky marshmallow fingers

we rode horses on cobble-stoned streets

we got caught in the rain, drenched and huddled together under shelter

we planted palm trees in the backyard, tended to the lawn,

squeezed each other tight as the summer thunderstorms shook the house

we baked cookies with matching aprons

we chased each other on bikes, discovering new parks and pavement

we ran, ran like the days before kids, long and hard, logging carefree miles under our feet

it's been sweet

it's gone fast

and it's almost over,

despite my pleads for more time.

critical. {a poem}

i look in the mirror

i see the blemish

you see the sparkle

i look in the mirror

i see the impatience, the greed

you see the generosity

i look in the mirror

i see the worn out skin, the callouses

you see the beautiful memories

i look in the mirror

i see mistakes i've made, again and again

you see my persistence in trying

i look in the mirror

i see loss, disappointment

you see hope and grace

you always see grace

the colors of mexico

the colors of mexico

the soft flesh of a mango
dripping orange down my chin making a river to my elbows

blue skies, a blue so magnificent, peppered with wispy white clouds, like marshmallows,
the kind they don't sell here at the market

skin every shade of brown,
from dijon yellowish to deep coffee kernels
my sons, who are mexican, güeritos white as crema

the red of pomegranate seeds in september, sprinkled over drowned chiles
my fingers stained after trimming and cutting a kilo of fresas,
and the right side of your flag

green palm branches swaying against a clear sky, the definition of freedom,
the symbol of home I look for
so as to never get lost

pitaya, nopal, guayaba, chayote, camote
rich in color and flavor and dense in nutrients
that replenish the soul

our feet, after a long day of work and play
coated with a dark grey dusting of grime,
evidence that the outside world sneaks past the bars and gates that secure us in

the yellow motorcycle that now mostly sits parked,
reminiscing of its journeys across mountains to oceans days away,
through cobblestoned colonial cities, up the sides of cliffs not forgotten

purple bougainvillea flowers so intense with color,
crawling along brick walls, surviving persistent heat and pounding rain

i'm blinded and reminded
that beauty surrounds me, disguised as it may be
by the gray of concrete and the brown neglected weeds

tears.

the tears,

they won't stop flowing.

is this normal?

am i okay?

surrounded by love,

sweet smells,

baby coos.

and

also

fear,

dread,

worry,

tears,

grief.

i miss my one & only.

it's not the same,

already.

i knew this

but there's no way to

really

know

this.

i'm breaking up inside.

one day at a time.

tomorrow will be better,

it must.

nice to meet you.

I am from green trees and steady rain.

I am from backyards and hammocks in the shade.

I am from sisters and a brother.

I am from small towns and big cities.

I am from soccer fields and swimming pools.

I am from scars on my knee and my womb.

I am from poems scribbled in notebooks and the back of my hand.

I am from tears of joy and tears of fear.

I am from long walks to high places.

I am from sore legs and achy feet.

I am from freckles and silly faces.

I am from broken dreams and unanswered prayers.

I am from young love that deepens with time.

I am from hope.

I am from persistence.

I am from longing to be whole.

may it come. may it come.

o sweet place,

it's been too long.

entirely too long.

here, in my other home,

i have raged at the traffic

and the long lines

and the bills to pay

here, in my other home,

i have laid on the grass

under streetlights,

listened to the wind in the trees,

admired the green of their branches,

and thought of you.

only you.

here, in my other home,

i have run dirt paths until my legs ached,

surrounded by wooded trails and pine needles,

but on those trails,

i thought of you.

i missed you.

o sweet place,

it won't be long

until i eat your blueberries

and bathe in your sun

and wade in your ocean.

o sweet place,

may it come

May, come soon.

See you then.

This is in response to Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop!

4.) Write a poem about something you are looking forward to.



Resolutions still in effect!

It's time to re-visit how my 2011 New Year's Resolutions are going! You can refresh your memory here. Or you can just allow me to remind you.

1. The first one had to do with having another baby. Solo is soo ready for a sibling. He's such a tender little guy! Unfortunately, no news to report yet. But let's just say the process is going really, really well. Wink, Wink.

2. Travel. I declared that I wanted to go to Europe this year. I am happy to report that I have tickets purchased and the specific plans are in the works! I will be joining my parents in April to Germany, Czech Republic, Austria and Italy, with room for flexibility thrown in there, of course. For those of you concerned about Solo, don't worry. He'll be in good hands with his daddy - lots of father-son bonding to take place without momma in the way!

Clearly, I have my priorities in place and first on my to-do list was to buy a small wristlet/clutch purse for the go-to essentials since I'll be packing light with just a backpack.

{Charm Design}

What do you think? Adorable, right?

Next on my list: comfy but cute walking shoes since I'll probably just bring one pair.

Let the planning begin!

3. As of January 1, 2011 we are vegetarians! It has been going so well! I have been enjoying finding new cooking blogs to read (this might be my favorite) and experimenting in the kitchen. I feel much healthier and I definitely eat much healthier this way.

Here are some of my favorite veggie recipes that I've tried so far (I usually use recipes to get ideas, so don't be afraid to adjust it according to what works for you/what you have in your fridge!):

Portobello Mushroom Burgers

Sloppy Josephines (Spicy lentil sloppy joes!)

Pinto & Sweet Potato Stew

Sweet & Crunchy FlatOut Berry Wraps (we brought these to Solo's Friendship-Valentine's party on Monday-a hit!)

Arugala Mushroom FlatOut Pizza

(People? Check your grocery stores for FlatOut 'bread'... it's our new favorite go-to item! The possibilities are endless!)

4. I resolved to write more poetry. There is definitely room for improvement on this one. However, I have written a few pieces here and....ok, maybe just one. I want to be more intentional about it, however, and I think it might require me to buy a specific (and cute) (from here, perhaps?) journal just for my poetry. That's a good motivator, right?

How are you all doing on your 2011 resolutions?

~~~~

Linking up with Mama Kat today!

scars.

a white line

that hurts sometimes

but, really, more than that,

the memories.

each one is like a 35mm negative

attached to your body,

always in all the wrong places.

his is thick

like chewed up bubble gum

resting on his chest.

and another, not so luscious,

twiddles its thumbs upon his neck.

the reminder of a life preserved,

another chance,

the gift of tomorrow.

a permanent stamp

that echos its seal of approval

through the constant reminder

there is life left to be lived,

life given freely,

life, for whatever reason,

spared.

adventures in 2011.

It's been a little quiet around here lately.

We have had Mr. P home with us full time, all the time, since December 22. It has been glorious! We have spent purposeful time lazing around in our jammers, drinking fun beverages (hello mimosas! hello spiked hot cocoa!), going for long walks, shopping (hello cute new dresses and leggings!), hiking (hello 30 pound child strapped to my back!), reading, watching lots of TV (hello TV series 4-disc sets!) and enjoying lots & lots of giggles with our little guy now that he is finally healthy again.

Whew!

It's been a much needed respite of family togetherness.

Needless to say, the blog has been neglected just a tad. It's all good though, right?

I have spent the last few days pondering some goals for 2011. I am not big into resolutions, but I am certainly not opposed to taking the opportunity of a clean slate to re-evaluate personal goals for myself.

Here goes nothing:

1. Baby. It's no mystery around here that I have a 2 1/2 year old, and have been thinking about having another child for the past six months or so. Mr. P and I have talked extensively about this - our fears, our desires, our needs. We have come to the conclusion that 2011 just may be the year to make it happen, whether we are quivering in our boots or not! I hope I can count on all my readers for support, advice, a listening ear and of course your prayers as we move forward in this exciting process!

2. Travel. I have never been to Europe, and it's been a long-time desire of mine. I realize that welcoming another little one into our family will keep me tied up for quite some time, so I would like to make a trip happen in 2011 before another baby joins our lives (God willing)!

3. Cooking. Mr. P and I have decided to give vegetarianism a go. (EEK!) We aren't fully committing ourselves quite yet, since we feel we need more resources and practice before making the final decision for our family. I have already called upon my Twitter friends for tips and resources, and I would love anything you have to offer us as well. I enjoy cooking and we both love trying new foods, so I don't think that will be a huge problem. Adjustment, however, YES. So, we'll see how it goes!

4. Writing. This blog is an amazing outlet for me to write. I have always loved to write, for as long as I can remember. One area that I have neglected for several years is poetry. I love poetry. I love to read it & I love to write it. This year I hope to pull out the old notebooks and start scribbling my heart out on paper again. And, who knows, maybe you will see some of it here.

What are your goals for 2011?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can read more posts like this over at Sluiter Nation today for Top 10 Tuesday!

a few of my fave-or-it things

snuggles and giggles and space between teeth

tacos and ice cream and uggs warming feet

nonna and papa and squishing in seats

cookies and doggies and new words to speak

pictures and memories and sunkissed cheeks

piles of neatly folded laundry and gifts and treats

pappy's coffee and scented candles and crisp new sheets

roadtrips and weddings and old friends to meet

bouquets of flowers and soft lips and a husband to greet

health and home and being together and free

nothing

nothing

nothing can beat

What are you thankful for this week?

***************************

I am the featured blogger today over at The Red Dress Club! Read my answers to their six intriguing questions here.

you remind me.

you are 29 pounds of boy.

you are delicate and soft

but

rough and firm, belly and all.

you are still a mystery to me.

you are someone I will never fully know

and

for that I am grateful.

the daily challenge of you is sufficient.

the way you surprise and remind me

of things

things that my adult mind allows to gather dust.

like yesterday.

when you played swords with a 7 year old,

a boy you just met,

using your popsicle sticks.

where do you learn this stuff?

I am so glad you weren’t shy.

you were you

with reckless abandon.

and yesterday

when you stared with wonder and awe

at a 3 month old.

you felt so big and old.

you felt so different than her

but

I know you aren’t really that different.

and then you tickled her

and you mimicked her expressions

and you caressed her face.

you surprise me

and

you remind me

of the little things that are beautiful.

Prompt:

Write a poem about a time someone made you smile.