looking back.

Sometimes it's fun to browse the archives on this here blog. It's comforting to see how far we've come, the struggles we've overcome, the memories we now treasure. Next month I'll hit 3 years of blogging.  0_0  

I KNOW.

Almost three years ago I had just decided to start writing about my experience with postpartum depression, specifically as a foreigner here in Mexico. My writing started out shaky, sometimes downright pathetic, but they were words. My words. And I was putting them out there. I wrote for the first time about my c-section in May of 2010 (almost 2 years after the fact). The emotions were fresh. I am still surprised at the clicks that post gets, all this time later. There are moms who relate, who feel that shame, who feel less than. And it's still not okay with me.

Two years ago I was 10 weeks pregnant with Rainer, feeling incredibly sick and discouraged, surviving by a thread. (see: this post) I remember afternoons sprawled out on the couch, in tears, wondering what we were thinking when we decided to have another child. But there was a sliver of hope I held onto, knowing somewhere deep within that I was meant for this child, and he was meant for us. (We both knew it was a boy.) 

One year ago, I was basking in the incredible difficulty and incredible joy overflowing in my life through my boys; the paradox of parenting.  I had made it to the six month postpartum mark. It turned out I was okay. Heck, I was more than okay. We were thriving, me and my boys. I remember even though I felt great, it still seemed as though I was holding my breath, waiting for that invisible, hypothetical "finish line," so I would know we finally made it.  As each month came and went, I felt us inching closer.  Now, in retrospect, I cannot put my finger on a day, a week, or even a month when I felt I could finally exhale.  It was a gradual process of becoming comfortable in our new normal, accepting my strengths and weaknesses, and then recognizing myself at the end of it all. 

Oh, why, hello. There you are.

What a wild ride it's been.

And it's so very nice to be on this side of the "finish line."

the swirling of thoughts.

The weaning is over. It was a rough 3 days or so, and now it seems he's (mostly) forgotten about it. The waking up at night is still a thing, however. But, it's better. Teeny tiny baby steps with this one; there is no rushing him.

He seems to be dropping a nap, which I'm hoping will eventually translate to better night-time sleep. The nap is longer and more pleasant, which makes everyone happier. He rarely sleeps in his pack n play anymore, but instead on Solomon's old bed which is basically a single mattress on a wooden box. It's so cute when he walks out of the room like a giant when he wakes from his nap.

Kisses are abundant. The other day I was laying beside him gently urging him to sleep. After several minutes of stillness I thought for sure he was sleeping. But, suddenly he popped up and searched with his tiny hands in the dark for my face. When he found it, he cupped my cheeks in his palms, giggled and planted a slobbery kiss on my mouth. I died, as you can imagine.

Sometimes I'll come across a beautiful girls name that I love. I'll be sad for a few moments as I remember that name will most likely remain faceless in my heart. But, then, I snap back to reality... which is pretty dang awesome. 

This week we are "pet-sitting" Solomon's classroom (stuffed) monkey, Monkiki. I'm reminded of the small joys in the life of a four-year-old. You would think we are hosting the President's daughter for a week.  For the first few hours, Rainer was super scared of Monkiki, which, of course, we thought was hilarious and provoked him just a few times. (wink) So far, Monkiki has been clothed in Rainer's clothes, fed in the highchair, dressed as batman, and pushed on the swingset. I'm sure he'll be in for many more adventures.

I've been researching gyms in our area that provide childcare. It's been getting a little more difficult as Rainer grows to make do with jogging and pushing him in the stroller. I'm looking forward to expanding my workouts, and hopefully tightening all those "loose ends" left over from my pregnancy. I think the time apart will be good for us both.

I've been experimenting with cooking Thai food lately, since we can't find any in our city. I made this curried fried rice with tilapia the other day, and it was yummy! I used up the leftover red curry paste with coconut milk for tofu-veggie stir frys over quinoa, too.. which were also a hit.

What have you been thinking/doing/planning/cooking these days?

my favorite memory.

This picture captures what is probably my favorite memory from 2012.

We were having a less than stellar time at the lake in July because of our dirty accommodations, the humidity, and an abundance of BUGS. Even Solo was a bit appalled. After taking a short morning walk and spontaneously jumping into the lake together with abandon, it was as if something switched inside Solomon (and myself). A minor act - such as tearing off your pants and jumping into a lake without further thought - can transform an entire day, an entire summer, an entire outlook on an entire year.

May we live more days this year with childlike abandon than ever before.

you're the reason i come home.

twinkle lights, instrumental piano music, san pelligrino blood orange soda in hand.

a fuzzy footed pj-clad baby in my arms, breathing warm and steady.

a devoted daddy tediously assembling the art easel to surprise our boys at sunrise.

a precious four year old sound asleep in his bed, enveloped in the quiet hum of the humidifier & soft glow of his bedside lamp.

matching christmas jammies set out, four santa hats, pancake batter ready in the fridge. 

stockings stuffed, firewood stacked, cameras charged.

one more card waiting patiently tucked into the advent calendar.

tomorrow morning the magic begins.

{sorta related, sorta not: I love this song}

holiday spirit.

This morning after dropping off Mr. P & Solo at school, Rainer and I headed to do some Christmas shopping. I was totally in my happy place, sipping coffee & browsing the aisles at a leisurely pace, the store almost empty so early in the morning.

This year we are buying for two six-year-old girls from a local orphanage. I must say, I felt out of my zone in the girls sneaker aisle and a little intimidated by the wall to wall pink toys. I may have turned to the Twitter for help as I entered the "doll zone." Yup, I'm a boy mom. And, apparently, we are clueless when it comes to six-year-old girls.

After selecting some non-baby dolls (thank you Twitter) and some very tacky pink sneakers, I set out to find stocking stuffers for my boys. Ah, back to the familiar territory of matchbox cars and legos and Batman underwear. I love boys.

Upon returning home, I rocked Rainer down for his nap, turned on the twinkle lights & Christmas music, donned a comfy sweatshirt & slippers and spread out the loot on the living room rug. There's nothing like wrapping presents to put you in the Christmas spirit. I'm so ready this year.

Plus also, FRIDAY.

(which I always like to point out, means next to nothing to a stay at home mom. But, let's just pretend.)

Wahoo! WEEKEND!

heart explosions.

There are definitely those moments when I fear I will lose my ever-loving mind if this little human does not stop pinching my arm fat, or burying his snotty nose in my fresh-out-of-the-dryer jeans, or picking up and hurling each pea one by one across the kitchen, or screaming his lungs out because Sleep! Oh the torture!  

And then there are most definitely the other moments when I fear my chest cannot possibly adequately contain the explosions occurring in my heart-region. And, I know I've said this before, but I don't know how we even lived without him. Us + this baby = complete joylovefulfillment. (yes, that is now officially a word.)

Well, when he's not screaming his head off, of course.

I

I just...

I can't even.

on growing up.

So, he's been four a measly week, and so much has changed already. It's like those big shards of rock salt rubbing deep into my wounds. All traces of 'little' are gone.

Last night I asked for a hug, a huge hug, and he jumped up into my arms and wrapped his legs tight around my middle. Those legs, that were once soft and stubby, now wrap entirely around me. Where did the time go? I remember the soft and stubbiness, but what about all the in between that led to these long & lanky limbs?

I want everything to just stop for a bit. It's going too fast.

The other day Mr. P gave Solo a shower and washed his hair. As we got Rainer ready for bed, we let Solo sit and watch a TV show. The way the light landed on his damp hair made it glow. The layers of hair fell in such a lovely way onto his forehead, and Mr. P ran his fingers through it, looking wistfully at me, "You know, someday a girl he loves will run her fingers through his hair just like this."

No. nononononono. Nooo. Not yet.

Somehow the change from 3 to 4 has been the most drastic so far. I was so ready for this, (the emotional upheaval that was 3 was welcome to leave long ago) but also 3 was definitely the last year of "littleness." Now it's just big boy through and through, and I'm not so sure I recognize this kid who closes the door to use the bathroom, and can put his socks on all by himself. Yet, in the same breath, my love for him just multiplies with each year, like I never thought it would, or could.

It's been 10 days now since he last sucked his thumb. On August 1st, the eve of his fourth birthday, we went for it.  Again. We'd been down this road before. Lectures from the dentist, incentives, prizes. But, he was never ready until now. Simple as that.

The first 2-3 days or so were extremely rough. Watching his little heart and mind and body struggle against the urge to do something that he so naturally had done every single day for almost four years broke my momma heart. But, it wasn't me, it was HIM. He had made up his mind to stop, and as hard as it was, he wasn't giving up. Laying beside him in bed as he tossed and turned, heaving sighs of frustration, and ultimately laying on top of his hands to fall asleep, I choked back tears. The intensity of his independence in those moments overwhelmed me. He is 100% his own person.

And a breathtakingly wonderful one at that.

dear rainer,

You are nine and a half months old.
There is so much I want to freeze in time & tattoo on my memory, so that I can always access who "you" are at this exact moment in time.

You are a momma's boy, through and through. I cannot even tell you how much this heals my deepest wounds. I'm sorry that I need you to need me like that, but I thank you for being the vessel to heal me.

You have two perfect bottom teeth. They are adorable little squares, exact and straight.  When you smile you scrunch up your nose & usually make hilarious grunting noises. You are inhibited in your expression of all emotions. I can learn so much from you in that sense. You are our spirited one.

The other day you threw your first temper tantrum. You know what you want, and with all the focus and strength you have in your little 19 pound frame you go for it.  With everything. Whether it's a power cord, a marker, or my arms in the middle of the night, you don't easily give up. I know someday I will love you even more than I do now for that.

When you get excited you start hee-ing and haw-ing and flapping your arms wildly. I need to start saving up now for your trips to Italy.

You love bananas, blueberries, rice cakes, carrots and cheerios. You could do without spinach, but we know what's best for you.

Every day you are getting stronger and more independent. It really shouldn't surprise me, but it does. Thus, the dilemma of a mommy - the loving and the letting go. It's already tearing me apart in the most beautiful and gut-wrenching ways.
I love you, always.

childlike

It's not often I have the opportunity or freedom to be like a child again.
When the opportunity does arise, it's my instinct to suppress the desire instead of embrace it.
In recent months, however, I've felt challenged to create memories worth remembering in daily life. I've felt impelled to really live out the phrase "Arms Wide Open." I've been reminded how fortunate I am to have my health this time around postpartum, and I don't want to take it for granted.
The other afternoon an impressive rainstorm began out of nowhere. The four of us were playing cars in the living room, but were quickly drawn to the windows as the palm trees swayed and the rain attacked the patio tiles with force.
Without allowing myself to think I opened the sliding door, ran outside and began to dance in the rain.
Solomon stared at me with eyes wide as saucers.
A curious grin formed on his lips. It was almost as if his face was speaking his thoughts, "Who is this lady?!"
As I danced and jumped and ran through the mushy grass, I felt like a kid again. I wasn't a 30 year old mommy anymore, I was a child craving the freedom to just be in the moment.

Birthday fun.

Summer birthdays are tricky. Do you celebrate early or late? Do you just have a small family party? Do you bag it altogether and celebrate half birthdays instead?

This year Solo sort of hit the jackpot. I started to feel sorry for him as we went to more and more birthday parties, thinking of all the fun he'd miss out on growing up with a summer birthday. So looks like he'll come out with at least 3 parties this year to compensate. (1 school party last week, 1 friend party yesterday, and then his actual birthday family party)

We partied hard from 1 pm until 6:30 pm, getting home after 7... Wired from brownies and new toys... Begging to wear his new track suit to sleep in.

I love this age.

3 years, 10 months.

things about you right now that i never want to forget:

you call anything small or little "tiny" instead of saying small or little.

the way you say, 'actually...' is beyond adorable.

your eyelashes look too big for your face.

your freckles are just starting to pop out across your cheeks & nose.

at night when i get to put you to bed you say it's our "special time" and you give me squeezes.

you love trains, motorcycles, 'futbol', wrestling, riding bikes and swimming.

you can do a perfect kneeling dive and swim under the water to me a couple of body lengths.

you love picking out your clothes and getting dressed by yourself.

you just learned to get in your carseat and buckle yourself in.

you insist on brushing your own teeth.

you love vanilla soy milk and you can pour yourself a glass.

(see a pattern here?)

you are obsessed with being "big" and having a "happy birthday" and, in general, being "four."

your favorite foods are mango, blueberries, raspberries, oatmeal, and veggie lasagna.

your favorite treats are pop tarts, chocolate, doughnuts, and ice cream.

your favorite kind of ice cream is vanilla.

(side note: just now I asked you what your favorite food is & you answered "tomatoes.")

If I had to describe you in three words they would be:

kind. creative. gentle.

I know you want to, but don't grow up too fast, otay?

Life.

On Saturday we went to a park that we used to frequent & haven't in awhile. We brought along the camera, Solomon's bike, and some pesos for ice cream, and other than that we had no plans.

The best kind of day.
After days like this all I can think is how sweet life is.

{linking up with the You Capture photo challenge this week: Life}

currently.

Reading: I just finished Bloom by Kelle Hampton (AWESOME) And started Operating Instructions: A Journal of my Son's First Year by Anne Lamott a few days ago... & I love it so far! I'm on an inspirational-memoir kick and I can't stop!

Watching: Ha. Hahaha. Absolutely zero time to watch movies or TV. I do, however, get in a few moments of Dora, Mickey Mouse, and/or Dino Train from time to time.

Working on: Taking better pictures. With our warmer weather we are outside all the time, and I've been inspired by the beautiful lighting and beautiful boys that surround me. I've captured a few gems recently!

Thinking about: Next year. I've been thinking about our friends who are leaving us this summer (especially Solo's lifelong best buddy). It makes me a bit sad to think about how next year will be quite different for us without them here. I read this post the other day and related on so many levels. If you ever have to say goodbye, you might relate, too.

Anticipating: This summer. (Who isn't?!?) We are just starting to talk & think about what we want to do with the four weeks Mr. P gets off in July. The beach? The mountains? Staycation in our backyard?

Listening to: TFDI - Slow it Down. Mr P found this song randomly & we can't get enough! We are also loving Robin Spielberg for instrumental, chill-ax background tunes.

Eating: Almond butter & celery, frozen cherries, tons of salad with goat cheese, pecans & cranberries, strawberry-banana-coconut soy smoothies, veggie stir-frys with Thai peanut sauce, Multi-colored quinoa from Trader Joe's (LOVE), and ice cream ice cream ice cream. It's hot here, people.

Wishing: I wish Rainer would sleep longer stretches at night. It would be nice to put him down at night and whisper in his soft, sweet ears, "see you in the morning, lovely boy." Unfortunately it's more like "See you in three hours, stinky face."

HAPPY MONDAY!!!

xo

~~~~

The idea from Currently posts comes from here.

Happy half birthday!

Yesterday you turned six months old! Today is the first day of the second half of your first year. (whew!) I'm so proud of us for reaching this milestone! You are healthy, happy, and growing rapidly.
You scoot backwards at a rapid pace, do "push-ups" with hands and feet, eat three solid meals a day, take mostly 3 consistent naps a day, and giggle incessantly at your big brother.

You wear mostly 6 month clothing still, some 9 month rompers, and the random 12 month onesie. You love your evening bath around 6:30 or 7 (splashes & giggles galore!) and usually by 7:30 you are sacked out. Night feedings are all over the place still, which has got to end someday, right? RIGHT?!?!

Oh and this.

Guess he can't really be left alone in the bouncy seat anymore.

You are growing up soooo fast!
Happy half birthday little one!

It is good.

The initial adjustment "home" after visits in the states with family is hard. Sad. Lonely.
But then we eventually snap out of it and lean harder into one another and recognize the beauty in this little life we have here. Far away from our families, yes, but together here we are nonetheless.
And there's lots of beauty in that.
It's going to sound cheesy but whatevs. You guys? My kids are bringing me so much joy lately. Like bursting, overflowing, delicious amounts of joy.
So many people told me it would happen, but it's not until I experienced for myself watching my boys play together that I could truly understand how happy and light it would make my heart.
So happy.
They adore each other. It's basically the cutest thing I've ever witnessed. Solo tickles Rainer and he squeals. Rainer practically tips himself over head first trying to watch everything his big brother does across the room.
Solo squeezes his chunky thighs, tousles his hair, and asks to see his butt because "it's so cute!!"
I love them.
The bond I feel with Rainer lately is something I treasure more than words can express. I could kiss and hug him a million times a day and it would never be enough. He is so fun. SO FUN. Yes, I'm saying this about a baby!
The other day Solo exclaimed, "it's so fun having a baby!!!" I love seeing life through his eyes. And it IS so fun.
(that last picture is a "piece of cloud" according to Solo. & how lucky are we that it landed in our house?!)
We spent the weekend doing a whole lot of nothing. Just being. And that's exactly what we needed to feel refreshed after an emotional week transitioning back.

How was your weekend?

dear emily.

Dear Emily,

My oldest, longest, dearest friend. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all the precious memories you've given me. From 70 mile road bike rides (on mountain bikes!), to shopping in Santa Barbara, to hiking the falls, to the Portland Bridge Pedal, to many early mornings & late nights at the pool, to weekends baking beneath the sun in Palm Springs, to body surfing in Mexico (ouch!), to surprise sandy messages at the Oregon coast. 

You were the most beautiful bride I've ever seen. Absolutely, positively, radiantly glowing. I'm so proud of the woman you've become!

Now, I'm no expert, but in 8 1/2 years of marriage I've learned a few things.

Men cannot read minds. Never have, never will.

Sometimes, most times, you have to settle for a compromise. And that's not a bad thing.

Choose to love, even when you don't feel like it. Choose to forgive, always. Choose joy.       (I know you will.)

Adam is an incredibly lucky man. 

Looking forward to lots of motorcycle rides, fro yo, and babies playing together in the sand!

I love you, Emmers!

Milestones.

Solo, 3 years 8 months old, has mastered riding a pedal bike.

Yes, I *may* have teared up.
I am so proud of my brave boy.
These moments in parenting are so surreal, aren't they? They depend on you for everything one moment and the next moment they are riding away from you, feet spinning the pedals, cheeks rosy from the wind chill.

This life is so sweet.

thankful.

chocolate covered pretzels

hot coffee with creamer

Rainer wearing hats

Solo's joy on the trampoline

a break of sunshine to be outside

lunch with old friends

long walks

time with cousins who've traveled far

crisp, clean air

brothers in the bathtub together

improvement in baby's naps

pedicures with my bestie

clearance rack steals

self-serve frozen yogurt

our family of four reunited

What are you thankful for this Tuesday?

target, i love thee.

So.

This is what happens when the three year old goes to his Gram & Gramps' & I am trapped in Target for 3 and a half hours with my momma and a sleeping baby.

Not bad, if I do say so myself.

{Some purchases not pictured.}

{I may have strayed from my list just a tad.}

{In my defense, I only get to visit Target a couple times a year.}

It's so good to be home.

the sounds of motherhood.

Something about being in Oregon makes my ears more attentive. It's probably because I hear more of the little things that are muffled by the daily noise in Mexico - cars honking, the steady hum of traffic, the tortilla motorcycle, the water truck, the fruit carts. Here it's just the whistle of the wind, the patter of rain on the skylights and the sounds of motherhood.

Solo's feet thumping down the stairs in the morning.

The slurping sounds of him sucking his thumb in the middle of the night - which my dad thought was a mouse the first time he heard it.

The quiet hum of the white noise machine in Rainer's room.

Rainer's coos and shrieks as he bats at the toys on the play mat.

Solo's sweet little voice as I tuck him into his floor bed in my parents' bedroom - "Mommy, can I tell you something?" ... "sure, what honey?" ... "I never want you to leave, everrrr."

The precious sound of Rainer suckling at 3:00 a.m.

Solo playing with his little rabbit family set, the plastic bunnies clicking against their beds, his voice making them come alive.

The splashing in the tub, the rubber duckies quacking incessantly, my boy who hates taking showers giggling with delight.

The sounds of motherhood are the sweetest in the world. I love slowing down enough to hear them above the noise of life.